Often, the parent who spends the most time with the child who has sensory issues is the first to recognize that something is “off.” It can be more difficult for the other parent, or for grandparents or babysitters, to accept that the child’s behavior is truly unusual. Also, many people have difficulty understanding that there can be biological reasons for behavior. They see behavior they don’t like and think, “bad child” and “bad parent.” This can be very emotionally painful for the primary caretaker who “gets” the sensory piece.

Not knowing what sensory processing disorder is or what to do about it can cause well-meaning family and friends who dearly love the child with SPD to be completely off track about how to help the child function and behavior better.

When a child’s behavior is due to sensory processing disorder, punishment and reward do not work as motivators.

Let me say that again.

When a child’s behavior is due to sensory processing disorder, punishment and reward do not work as motivators.

Over the years, as an advocate for kids with sensory issues, I have heard hundreds, maybe even thousands of parents share what does and doesn’t work for their kids. What does work is to TEACH children to be aware of their body's state of being (tense? agitated? low energy? etc.) and what to do to alter it so that they can behave appropriately. The behavior comes from someplace: Someplace is "where" you need to go to deal with the problem at its root. A child who is defiant may not feel able to meet social expectations given what's going on in her body. Address the physiological experience of anxiety, fear, anger, or grief, and then that child will be better able to meet expectations. You know you can't reason with a tantrumming two-year-old. You also can't reason with a highly anxious, sensory defensive child until his anxiety fades. Use techniques such as slow breathing, deep pressure, affirmations, and visualizations to deal with the psychological response of fight-or-flight and then address the behavior that stemmed from an unsettled, agitated state of being. Don't skip the second step out of expedience, however. Validate your child for having calmed down, then discuss why the behavior was not appropriate and what you expect of her. In this way, you teach your child self-regulation. You'll find that as your child's sensory issues improve, so will her self-regulation.

Separate out the child's emotional/physical experience from his behavior. Deal with the emotional/physical piece first, then the behavior.

Remember, “discipline” comes from a Latin root meaning “teach”. Be cautious about punishing children, or offering bribes or rewards, when what they most need from you is to be taught self-regulation skills and appropriate social behaviors. The reason kids with SPD become angry, anxious, and defensive so quickly, and so intensely, is because sensory processing disorder causes the brain to be dominated by the activity of the part of the brain associated with fear and instant reactions. Children with sensory processing issues have brains that are wired to go quickly into a “fight-or-flight” mode, also known as a panic response. In this state of mind, they are unable to “switch on” their brain’s executive function which is needed to be able to avoid impulsivity, tolerate frustration, and think clearly. They are in an almost primitive state of fear, which is why they can express intense anxiety over an everyday sensation neurotypical people take for granted. It is also why after a meltdown or tantrum due to sensory overload, they may actually not remember what they did or what set them off!

Of course, sensory kids are still kids, who want the candy at the checkout because they like candy, and they may fuss and pout for reasons that have nothing to do with sensory issues. But when unaddressed sensory issues raise their irritability and anxiety, they are likely to be impatient and lack their usual impulse control. There are times when your child will tantrum or act out and you won't be sure how much of it is sensory and how much of it is just plain old kid behavior. When it is plain old kid behavior, it's still a good idea to get to the root of the problem. Is it the candy he wants, or attention, or a nap? Buying the candy or not buying the candy doesn't address the underlying need for a nap or nurturing!

Having listened at length to parents who have learned through experience, I’ve found that the following elements are key for disciplining children with sensory processing issues:

1.OT and a sensory diet. Do the best you can to prevent sensory overload and panic response by incorporating a sensory diet into his life every day, at school, at home, and away. Work with an OT who uses SI therapy (sensory integration therapy) to help retrain your child's nervous system to function more typically. DO NOT rely on one or two OT sessions a week to "fix" your child. His brain will only be rewired, or retrained, through lots of repetition of the activities a sensory smart OT recommends. Make these activities part of everyday life.

2.The basics: sleep, food, calmness. Help your child avoid poor nutrition, poor sleep, and stress, all of which worsen sensory issues and anxiety. Check into any nutritional problems and address them. Avoid junk foods and any foods that seem to affect your child's mood. Be careful about the use of television and videogames; they can be far too overstimulating for some kids, especially if the games action packed and most especially if they're watched or played while remaining sedentary (and while consuming sugary foods!). If your child rarely eats foods unless they contain gluten (an ingredient in wheat and other grains), casein (a protein in milk), soy (which has a protein similar to that of milk), and corn, she may have a food intolerance that is affecting her behavior. The child who is in love with bread or doesn't want to eat anything but milk and macaroni and cheese may be craving the very foods that are bothering her system. Check with a nutritionist if this is the case.

3.Coping skills. Teach your child coping skills and remind him to use them when you observe that he’s beginning to become agitated.

4.Sensory accommodations. Offer your child with SPD socially acceptable ways to get her needs met. If she has high oral sensory seeking needs, give her acceptable items to chew on and bite.

If your child with sensory issues tantrums, goes into a panic response, or experiences sensory overload despite all these efforts:

--Deal with safety issues first by keeping her and others safe.

--Remain calm so that you can calm her down and give her calming sensory input that allows you to leave the situation as soon as possible. You may have to carry your small child to a less distressing sensory environment.

--Do not try to reason with her use a lot of words. Instead, use simple commands (e.g., not "We can't stay here, we've got a lot to do at home and you've already been here for an hour." but "Come. Now.")

--When your child is finally calm, make amends to others who may have been offended or inconvenienced.

--Wait until your child is able to use her executive function before talking to her about what happened, but always “process” the incident with her so that she can identify what she should do differently next time. (She will need many reminders over time as she learns to develop frustration tolerance and impulse control.)

--Have her apologize to others and to you, and make amends if she needs to.

--Encourage her to believe she can do better next time. Children with biologically based behavior problems can feel awful about themselves and their lack of self-control, and they need compassion and encouragement!

You can learn more about discipline methods that work well with kids who have SPD, and why some methods don’t work, or need to be modified, to work for children with sensory issues, in Raising a Sensory Smart Child.

Educate Family and Friends

As you and your child develop sensory smarts, you’ll have opportunities to educate family and friends about sensory processing disorder. It can be difficult not to become frustrated or angry when people don’t “get” your child and tell you, “You’re too easy on her,” or “Send him to my house for a week and I’ll straighten him out.” It's okay to be angered by such comments, but it's empowering to remain calm and make the choice to ignore the comments or educate the person about sensory processing disorder. If you choose to educate this person, it will take patience, but you will be doing a favor to him or her, to your child, and to all the children in the world suffering from the hidden disability of sensory processing disorder. There is a lot of educating to be done.

Breathe. Educate. Be good to yourself.

And as a parent of a child with sensory issues, remember this advice:

“Please put on your own oxygen mask before you place one on your child.”

Take care of yourself so that you can better help your child!

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